Special Feature: Divine Fantasy
by Melanie Jackson

An Interview With Ambrose Bierce 

(reprinted courtesy of Poet’s Monthly. This interview was conducted before the famous author’s and the reporter’s disappearances from Fiji. The audio version will be online next month at the Poets Monthly website)

PM:  Thank you, Mr. Bierce, for inviting us to your resort.

AB: You had a good flight?

PM: Yes, thank you, though we had to land on the far side of the island. There was giant crocodile on the beach and the pilot refused to land. He said something about it laying in wait for zombies.

AB: Yes.

PM: Oh. We were very excited to learn that there will be a new edition of The Devil’s Dictionary. Can you tell us why you felt the need for a new edition?

AB: Human language and perversity continue to advance. It was simply time to update the dictionary to reflect our more modern technological vocabulary.

PM: I see. So it has nothing to do with these wild rumors we have been hearing about your being a lycanthrope?

AB: Oh no. My lycanthropy has nothing to do with my editorial decisions.

PM: Your lycanthropy? Are you saying the rumors are true?

AB: I grow fur, fangs and a tail at every full moon. I think we may assume that it is some form of lycanthropy.

PM: I—I see. And you are not worried about what the critics may say—about this claim or about a new dictionary?

AB: Have you read The Devil’s Dictionary? I believed I covered the topic of critics there.

PM: Well then. Do you have any tips for other writer werewolves?

AB: Yes, back up your files before the full moon. Always. And get some Marshmallow Fluff shampoo from The Body Bakery. It cleans up anything and is hypoallergenic.

PM: I don’t know what else to say except thank you, Mr. Bierce, for your time. Our readers will certainly be fascinated.

AB: You’re very welcome. I look forward to talking to you again when the book is out. And the zombies are gone.

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