Safety First!

Claudia responds to a CCPD presentation on PR and Civilian Safety in Crimson City

Those fine minds upstairs have been breathing too much White Out again. Can somebody please go up there and put the cap back on for them? I’m talking about that PowerPoint presentation the Beat Officers were forced to watch: “Effective Public Relations Strategies for the Large Urban Police Force.” What a load of b.s.

The guys in the K9 units give out baseball cards with pictures of their dogs and the mounted division does the same with their horses. This is effective PR, no argument there. Now the officers on the street also have cards to hand out. Woo-hoo. Yes, little Billy Citizen can have a complete set of Crimson City Police Department safety tip cards. Hopefully he’ll live to collect all three.

Look, paranormals are a part of life here, but the thing is, they’re dangerous. No matter how many treaties we sign, there will always be “unfortunate incidents” involving paranormals and humans. Just like there will always be traffic accidents, drunk idiots and jaywalkers. According to our Safety Tip cards, when a citizen meets something scary with big teeth and hypnotic eyes, all he needs to do is whip out the appropriate card, in this case Vampire Safety Tips, and remind himself to F.A.D.E. Focus on its ear, Avoid bleeding, Don’t panic, Evade the creature.

Get it? F.A.D.E. I’m dying here over how clever that is. What that really means is Fangs Are Dead Egotists. There’s some other crap on the card, but I’ll spare you.

A sharp stake is the only thing that’s gonna save Jane Citizen if she meets a hungry vamp with unfiled fangs. That out-of-control freak is faster and stronger than she is, and it’s going to convince her getting bitten is better than the best sex she ever had. Times infinity. If she’s a fang-banger, I guess that’s the point. But, if she’s not, FADE to black, baby. 

Fact: Citizens For a Free and Fair Society contributed $1.5 mil to Yes on Measure B a few Novembers ago. Remember that? That one outlawed the unlicensed carrying of any sharpened wooden stake while in the City of Los Angeles. Guess who’s behind that fair-minded organization? TK Enterprises, Inc. Guess who owns 69% of TK Enterprises? Tiberiu Korzha. Yeah. That  Tiberiu Korzha. As in criminal enterprise vampire Family Korzha I bit the senator’s daughter Tiberiu Korzha.

How many of those licenses have been issued? Exactly one. To a certain Michael I’m-so-bad-I-don’t-even-have-a-last-name. Michael is a fang and for the record, he doesn’t file his teeth. Where vampires are concerned, there’s only one acronym that will save your life: N.T.A.V.

Never Trust A Vamp.

Never.

If you happen to meet a dog, that’s another matter. The werewolf card will save your life. Dx3 (pronounce that “dicks”) Don’t panic, Don’t run, Deploy pepper spray.

Dx3 means it took three dickheads nine hours to think up the list. Forget angry dog = killer dog. Forget it’s bigger, stronger, faster, hungrier and hairier than John Q. Citizen. The minute that puppy gets within ten feet - psssttt with the pepper spray and he’ll be A-OK.

The only thing that stops a dog from doing what comes naturally is a silver bullet in the brain. Unfortunately, normal people aren’t allowed to have silver bullets, not even the ones from a certain website where you have to click on the little Union Jack to get the English (kind of) version. Anybody who happens to have some in their spare clip, we have to arrest them. We can’t tell them how to really protect themselves so instead we come up with bullshit like three dicks.

There are no demons here so those cards are a complete and utter crock the sole purpose of which is to distract people from whatever the fangs and dogs are really up to. If they need to bring demons into it, trust me, it sure as hell ain’t safe.

Now, most dogs are fine, upstanding citizens, we all know that. And your average fang is as nice and friendly as your next-door neighbor (not the one who steals your paper, the other one) -- unless you come from my neighborhood, in which case your neighbor is a convicted felon. As long as you’re not out looking for cheap thrills or a warmer place to sleep than the park bench, statistically you’re more likely to see the Dodgers win than find yourself confronted by a dangerous vamp or dog.

Here’s a recap of all the safety tips you need:

Never Trust a Vamp
Keep the Spare Clip out of Plain Sight

Now really, isn’t that much easier?

~Claudia

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